tomorrow, emmy, indy, and i are headed out the door to visit our hubby/daddy. & to be honest, i'm a little nervous. it's the first time i've been back to 'our home' since the postpartum depression started & i had to move back home. blake's come and visited us here numerous weekends, but i've yet to go see him. a part of me is really excited to go back because, well let's face it, three-fourths of my closet is still there... but the other part is scared to go back to the place where i hit rock bottom. i know it's impossible not to have ptsd, but i have to remember how far i've come since then.
i have learned a lot about myself, & am more confident as a person & mother because i have seen what i'm capable of. i know i haven't really talked about my ppd a lot, although i really want to since i think there's a big fat stigma sticker slapped onto it, that needs to be ripped off like a bandaid. it's something that no one can really understand unless they've been through it before, but i think all mothers can agree that having a child is a lot more difficult than you imagined, and sometimes you think to yourself: no other mother could possibly be going through what i'm going through. & there are a lot of moms who don't ever really share how they're feeling. fortunately, i have found many fellow mom-bloggers whom have shared quite a bit, which i am grateful for & think more women should do. just sayin'
but the truth of the matter is, this shit is hard. no amount of babysitting, nannying, or schooling can prepare you as a mother. sure, i knew a thing or two about swaddling & diapering, but the hormones? pshhleeaase... you can't prepare or practice for that in lamaze class.
with that being said, i am now well aware of how to deal with it should there ever be a round 2. & i am also able to empathize with other women with ppd. the irony of it all is that i'm actually glad i went through all that i did. it has made me into a better person than i was before getting pregnant. believe it.
& even though it has taken me forever & a day to write this because i have a low-grade-feverish-baby-because-she-just-got-shots-yesterday-strapped-to-the-front-of me, i wouldn't change a thing.
so tomorrow, we're off to see our #1 man. say a little prayer?