Wednesday, August 29, 2012

mad.

i am mad. downright fucking pissed, to be perfectly honest. 
my mom has cancer again. 
for the third time. 
in six years. 
seriously, who the hell gets cancer three times in six years? 
it's just not right.

i feel helpless. 
i feel so sorry for her. 
& i hate that phrase... "feeling sorry" 
...but i don't know what else to say. 
i don't know what to do. 

hot tears seared my hidden face, as i unintentionally expressed wet blotches of black mascara on my white pillow. 
it was a difficult cry--a struggle against the antidepressants in my system.

"mommy! mommy! maaaaahhhhmmmmy!" i heard my daughter cry out on the other side of my bedroom door. 
her cries for me coincided with the cries i had for my own mother. 
as if it were my inner voice.
what a surreal and eerie moment it was--my young daughter crying out for me, while i silently cried out for my mommy, praying emmalyn never has to cry for the same reason.

as much as i want to crawl out of, and shed my skin, i know my mom wants to a hundred times more.
 i can only imagine how she is feeling right now, and i bet it involves a few choice curse words.

what do i do for her? 
what do i say? 
we'll find out more tomorrow, but she will definitely have to endure both chemo and radiation.  
again.

but my mom? 
she's a fighter. 
& a hell of a good one, at that!

each time i found out my mom had the big c, we allowed ourselves to convulse into one another with harsh tears, then promised that was it. 
no more.

my mom got through it twice before, and she'll get through it again.

yes, i am mad. 
but i'm also inspired. 
inspired by my best friend who won't let anything stand in her way of living.


loyally,
katie 

p.s. thank you for allowing me to be honest. & explicit. although, i apologize but not really for the explicit part ;)

:::


9 comments:

  1. Cancer deserves explicit and foul language. It's the very worst. And it's so scary when it's your parent who is suffering because it takes away your safe place. Good luck to you all.

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  2. so sorry to hear about this terrible news. thoughts and prayers for your family

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  3. Katie, I'm so sorry. Praying.

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  4. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

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  5. Wow. I know I don't have the right words to respond to this. I'm praying for your mother - as well as for you and the rest of your family. xoxo

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  6. I'm so, so sorry. Thoughts are with you and your family. *hugs*

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  7. Katie, although it feels inadequate to say so--I am sorry for you, your mother, and all of this pain and downright unfairness. Because that? Seems completely wrong to me. I am thinking of you and praying for you and hoping that all that strength that is powerful enough to come across a computer screen carries you all through this. Much love and prayers.

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  8. Oh katie, I had no idea! Like I said, I have been out of the blogging world for awhile now. Just catching up on everything now. She is a fighter and so are you. The times when I feel like I have been going through rough patches, I always think of you and how strong you are and how you have been through so much and it always helps me out. I know you and your family will be strong through this as well. I expect no less from you. Love you!

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