Friday, October 25, 2013

The truth.

Most of you all know bits and pieces (or maybe a whole lot) about the postpartum depression I went through after Emmalyn was born. {If not, please click on the PPD link above} I held a lot back for several reasons, one of them being judgement. But I'm not afraid anymore, and I don't want to hold back now that I'm pregnant a second time. I also don't want to sit behind a computer screen, blogging about how amazing I feel, when I actually don't. My experience is real, and I know I'm not alone. I admit, it's a little scary to be sharing my personal life on the Internet, but if it helps just one person (whether now or in the future) than I feel like I've done something good in this world.

So here goes nothing! (or everything...)

This was written in my journal one month and five days ago:


I woke up, heart pounding of of my chest, sweat soaking the front of my shirt. I felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety seep through my veins, trapping me with an illogical thought that something bad was going to happen to Emmalyn and me.

I had convinced myself I'd be okay while Blake traveled to Texas for a week for casualty training. After all, I've been away from him for six weeks before; a week is nothing, right?

Well, apparently for some reason I was lying to myself. I got so nervous after he left that I became extremely emotional, crying uncontrollably. My dear sweet girl came over to me, asking me why I was crying. I told her it was because I missed Daddy. She said to me, "It's okay mommy. Don't cry. I'll take care of you." Which of course made me cry even more because of her innocent selflessness. She can be so sour at times, but she really has such a kind heart. She gave me hugs and kisses and two year-old promises that everything will be just fine.

I'm just so frustrated because my fears seem so real. I don't want to go through what I went through last time, after Emmalyn was born. But most of all, I don't want to put the people I love most through all the hardship again. They don't deserve it.

I called my mom in hysterics, sharing everything. She wanted me to come down to stay with her for the week, but the thought of packing up, locking up, and traveling overwhelmed me even more. With some thought, she came to the conclusion that she would fly up and stay with me until B got back a week later.

After I talked to my mom I got a hold of B to fill him in on everything and he seemed to think I should stick out, with help from people already around me, instead of my mom swooping in to save the day.

I tried to explain to him that that's what moms do! They come to the rescue when you need them. I understand his point of view, because I know I can't always rely on my mom when things get tough, but this mental health shit scares me--and I don't want to take any chances.

So my mom is flying in tomorrow and I don't know how I'll ever thank her!

I'm just so scared of what the future holds if I'm already feeling this emotional in the sixth week of my pregnancy. It's going to be a long nine months!

But I can do it! I AM CAPABLE! With medical help, and help from my friends and family, I'll get through it. Besides, there's no turning back now! ;-)

***

It's been over a month since my panic attack, and I'm proud to report I'm doing so much better. The option of medication was given to me, but I've decided to take it week by week. However, if it's something that is necessary down the road, I'm okay with it. Physically, I feel nauseous almost all day long, and I'm completely drained (no thanks to a two year-old to chase around), but mentally I am doing so much better. 

I have an amazing doctor and a therapist whom I've seen twice. They eased my guilt about getting support from my family. My doctor said, "If you had a heart attack, you wouldn't feel guilty about them taking care of you, so having them take care of you for this is no different." And my therapist told me to stop trying to be super wife and mom and go stay with my parents (and in-laws and friends) for a month while B has a month of night shift.

So that's exactly what I'm doing. While it's a bummer to be away from B, I realize I'd never seem him anyway, with us being on complete opposite schedules, so why not have a change of scenery and take care of myself and growing baby?! 

Thank you to all those who have known about this for weeks and have been by my side to help! 

loyally,
katie


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Monday, October 21, 2013

Guess What?!



We're both excited & nervous to welcome Baby #2!

***

loyally,
katie


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